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Click

August 17, 2006

I used to sing the Toys R Us theme song and really believe it. Being a kid had so many pluses. You had a carefree lifestyle, imagination could run wild, fun was easy to find.

Now, I find, I’m so ready to grow up. I’m already in the grown up relationship… but why am I still living a state away from him and having to say goodnight over the phone? I want to come home to him everyday, I want to make plans with friends any night whether he’s visiting or not and not worry about not seeing him, because I see him everyday, I sleep in the same bed with him every night. I want to cook dinner together, I want our things to be in one place… I want to really share space with him, settle in with him, not be constantly living out of travel bags in his place or mine on short weekend visits.

I want my own place, that I can do what I please with. A place I can leave my dishes in the sink and know they are mine and I’ll clean them when I want (admittedly probably right away as I’m an anal cleaner) but if I want to leave them there I don’t want to feel guilty about it! I want to fill the place with my own things, buy great furniture, hang up my pictures, paint if I please… decorate to stay not throw some stuff in to make it nice now, but not put too much effort because I know I’m leaving in a year, to two years.

I want to fast forward through this in between time. And yet, I have learned the necessity and meaning of living in each day, and cherishing what you have in that day. I’m thankful for the moments I get to spend with my family and friends, I know on a deeper level how quickly life can change, life can be taken away. Every moment I get to spend with my Bubba (a variation of the Yiddish word for grandma) learning about her life, allowing her to learn about mine and feeling the love passing between us I cherish. Visits with my grandparents now always end with I love you’s. And I love them and their warmth, the happiness I feel coming into their home, how much I look forward to my Grandmother’s cooking, the plans they’ll make for us, the stories they’ll share with us. I look forward to all the times I get to spend with all of them, I don’t want to fast forward through that. Except, I’m so urgently looking forward to settling in with Matt, having a place of my own, maybe not feeling on so many days that life sucks. I’m sorry, I just can’t think of a more poetic way to put it. Life Sucks.

Part of grieving is living through it, letting yourself feel and understand the loss you’ve experienced. I can do that, I know I can’t fast forward through that. Yet, there are other things around me that compound the suckiness, I need those to be fast forwarded. I know I can’t though. I didn’t even see the movie Click, but I know what the moral was. If you fast forward to the good stuff, you miss the little things that matter, the major milestones you don’t even see coming. Like realizing you can do it, you can live through the process of moving into the next step in your life, you don’t have to fast forward to get there, you just will.

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