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I didn’t edit this

October 16, 2006

My blog has been depressing, my thoughts have been depressing and this is a place to put them. But enough with depressing thoughts, lets try something happier. I have love… I have real love, the forever kind. Thank god. I’ve been depressed, lets not lie even though this is supposed to be a happy blog, and tonight as I lay in bed and try to sleep not wanting to take a pill to help me, not wanting to put my thoughts onto my blog because its been a bit too depressing and lets face I did that in the last entry can’t have too much of the same thing here… I am trying to be marketable… right? Anyway, as I lay in bed trying to sleep but really thinking depressing and anxious thoughts, I realized that this past weekend I didn’t think those thoughts, I didn’t worry about wanting something new, something more, I didn’t worry about work and not being motivated by it, I didn’t worry. I was with Matt and that made me happy. I was able to put aside the other thoughts and just be with him. That’s how I know it’s the forever kind of love… because he makes me happy, he makes me feel okay in the moment, with him I don’t worry about rushing to the next thing just to do something else, I can be in the here and now and not think depressing thoughts that make me want to fast forward. Sure, I’m still deep down unhappy and sure I take that out on him with petty arguments about splashing water on the counter, but the fact that I can look back on the past weekend and know that I was happy in the moments is a lot. Its security, I can have faith in my relationship and where that will take me because I have real love.

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