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Blue

December 19, 2006

I got mad in the car on the way there- I was trying to talk future, apartment, sharing and he wasn’t agreeable to my ideas. I think I was literally pouting.

As we walked into the restaurant he asked if I was okay- of course I said “I”m fine.” He responded with, “I know you’ll be fine in there, but before we go in are you okay?”

We sat down for lunch, I was smiling, talkative, the perfect guest. I felt okay.

I got up at one point to use the bathroom. You had to walk down a steep flight of stairs and the bathroom was decorated like a classic powder room. I stared at myself in the mirror. I wasn’t okay. I felt a weight, a hard, heavy weight on my chest. For a minute… no… more like a second, I lost my bearings. Where was I, what was I doing? I didn’t want to be there anymore.

I put my smile back on for the rest of lunch, I had to, but the weight persisted, getting heavier with each forced smile. His mother had sat me so I could look out over the water the restaurant sat above. I had seen swans floating on the body of water earlier and now I saw seagulls rising and falling over the pond. Their belly’s reflected the blue of the water, creating the illusion that they were blue. The blue seagulls rose and fell and I stared, perplexed. Their blue was reflected in my mood, or maybe the other way around. It just fit.

Later in the car, as we drove- to where I didn’t know- I gave in to the weight. My body turning into itself, my tears as quiet as I could make them. He pulled onto a side street and stopped, I opened my eyes. It looked like we were going into a park. He reached his hand over and took mine, I cried harder and louder, I needed to.

“I don’t know what to do.” He admitted. “Just hold me,” I said. “I do, I want to. Its kind of hard to do when I’m driving.” I turned to him, “I know” I unbuckled my seat belt and leaned into him. “Where are we?” I asked.

Later we walked around the park, to a patio behind a large stone mansion. He pulled me close to him the air around us getting cooler, our eyes turned looking out onto the water. It was blue, but there were no seagulls.

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