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You’ve come a long way Baby…

May 6, 2008

The last few days I’ve been speculating about what this week would be like. How I would feel, how I would react to daily life with the fog of 2 years ago on my brain. Sunday was the day anniversary. Today I realized that around the same time my Dad died 2 years ago, I fell in to a conversation about death. I talked about what I think happens when you die and relayed in conversation, moments after it happened two years ago, what it was like to watch and how I had to believe that the end of my Dad’s life did not mean the end of his spirit living on. He was staring at the ceiling for days, as if he saw someone, something, some people waving him along (and I don’t mean in to Heaven) and just before he died he smiled at my Mom. I do believe your spirit remains. But that’s a different story, the point I mean to make is that I relieved those moments on the day of with no realization of what it meant in the moment.
Tonight Mom and I talked about the week, how we’re feeling and most of all how fucking far we’ve come. Last year was a Shit Show, no details necessary. This year we stronger, and more grounded in who we are without Dad, and who we’ve become as a family and as individuals without his physical presence.
It almost feels like a year is not enough time to be in such different places. I am honestly surprised when I think about last year, about being home for a week, unveiling Dad’s grave, feeling like my world was crazy, resisting a vacation, resisting what I was feeling. I picture over and over getting angry at Matt and then coming in to the bedroom and just sobbing as I stared out the window, and now it’s not the reason for the anger I remember its realzing that I was really angry with myself for not knowing what to do with all the sadness. I look back at various posts from last year and the experience comes flooding back to me. The feeling of going through the motions one more time.
The need to convince myself that I would enjoy a vacation. And, finally letting myself grieve and heal in a more healthy way.
Sure it would still take me many more months to understand the role I was playing wasn’t the one I was cast in, but maybe last year was the beginning of that next cycle I had to go through. Now, I find myself in a place where I’m ready for what I may or may not feel, I want to let myself experience it and grieve it in a healthy way. As Mom said, we should be proud of all we’ve gone through and how far we’ve come in a short amount of time. And really, I am. That is an emotion I do feel strongly now. I feel pride at how much I’ve grown over the past two years, pride at how strong I can be when facing tough situations and conversations. Pride at who I am growing up to be and all I will do with my life. And what is most satisfying about remembering that during this week is knowing how proud Dad would be of me.

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