The first Father’s Day came a little over a month after Dad died. Bubba, Burton and a Schain family friend came to NH. It was horrible. Mom, Sammy and I were so not in the mood to be with anyone, we didn’t want to be doing anything for Father’s Day except ignoring it. We were miserable, Sammy was on the verge of a melt down, I wanted everyone to be happy, and Mom was just flipped out.
After they left we all went to the beach and jumped in one of the lakes in our town. It felt great to let the day slide off of us under the water, but the memories of that day still remain and they aren’t good.
As I moved through the first years mourning process I read somewhere that when you’ve lost a parent you should celebrate yourself on the ____ Day meant to celebrate them. I liked that idea. It was a great way of ignoring the holiday, but also giving yourself some you time.
When I started my new job and found out the sister of a spa owner worked there allowing us a nice discount I decided that going to the spa would be my father’s day ritual. So I went, and it was wonderful.
I’m going again today, and I’ve been excited for weeks.
Yesterday I got less excited because of the ripples it caused that I wouldn’t be going to Queens with Matt. He’s put in a hard position, and like any good relationship we are open and honest with each other so he doesn’t hide anything from me. I am so grateful for that, but it makes it hard to hear why and how they are upset. I want to vent about it, but I won’t, I did enough of that yesterday.
What is important to me is that I get to do something for myself today, I will not be thrust in to celebrating Father’s Day when I don’t want to, I don’t have to be reminded that I don’t have a Father to celebrate, and that the Father’s in my life, while I care for them and think they are great men, aren’t the one I lost and don’t make up for that loss. I will celebrate them on their birthday’s and other occasions. I get to have this one day to do what I want to, because it is my loss to cope with and I get to chose.
Okay, so that is a little of a vent… I told Matt last night I wish I could write him cue cards to read off of when he has to deal with these odd interventions… I so wish I really could…
Off to the spa, where all this will be exfoliated off of my skin, and my mind.