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You next to me

February 12, 2009

I have this issue that I am compelled to write about now since I’m presently dealing with it. I can’t fall asleep unless Matt is home. And lately, now that we are on similar schedules it is hard for me to fall asleep without him in bed.
I guess it makes sense, when we weren’t living together I had trouble falling asleep without talking to him before I went to bed.
I am a very independent woman, I think Matt and I have the appropriate and healthy level of co-dependency. We are married, after all. So, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that we want to spend as much time together as possible. Yet, sometimes it troubles me that I have this issue.

Tonight, for example, I intended to go to bed early, and all signs were pointing to this happening. I got in bed at 10:15 with my book and read for about 35 minutes. I felt sleepy so I turned off the light and tucked myself in. Then my mind starts racing, and I start listening for the door. Then I heard something fall and I thought, oh good he’s home and he’s just knocked something over. So, of course still being awake I got up. And, lo and behold he’s not home and something just fell on its own. So now, I’m really up and I know I’m not going to be able to get to sleep without him getting home. It is a mix of the comfort of him being in the bed with me and anxiety at his not being home and thus me not knowing he is safe.

I guess my being troubled comes from the place of it being inconvenient for me, among these other things. I wanted to get up early tomorrow and work out, and now when my alarm goes off at 5:45 it is less likely I will respond to it.

But as I think this through I have to remember how lucky I am to have a man I want next to me, to have someone to worry about and listen for at night, and most importantly who wants to be next to me each and every night for the rest of our lives.
Speaking of which, he just got home. Goodnight!

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