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In the Belly

March 27, 2010

On Friday I had that feeling, deep in the pit of your stomach.  Something felt wrong, I was anxious.  I assigned my anxiety to our house alarm going off (it was nothing, old windows and new alarm systems don’t mix well).  Then I assigned it to driving to NH alone.  Then I chalked it up to hormones.  Then as I drove North on 495 something clicked in my head.  Here I was, early Spring driving North by myself.  There I was, 4 years ago doing the same with a belly full of anxiety.  Here I was thinking about Passover plans with family.  There I was, 4 years ago sitting at a Passover table for the last time with my Father.

I got sad, it moved from my belly to my throat.  But I didn’t cry.  I just felt it.  I sat in the car and put myself in auto pilot and felt sad.  I thought about calling someone, and then about changing the music.  I didn’t.  Sometimes, you just need to feel the sadness, you need to remember the pain and anxiety of living through death.  I thought of all the good in my life, of all the growing up and changes in my life.  I am happy.  I am sad.  I felt Dad with me in the car.  I felt his hands on my shoulders and his presence behind me.  He’s been with me a lot lately.  He’s here rooting us on.

For the last 3 years I unexpectedly get slapped with the anxiety, the body memory of watching cancer invade.  I am suddenly unable to explain anxious or sad feelings and then I say out loud and to myself, “Duh!”.

It’s that time of year again.

Of renewal, of beauty and warmth and joy and blooms.  Maybe this is why I’ve learned to balance the happy and the sad and let myself feel both.  It isn’t easy.

After about 30 minutes of auto pilot driving and focusing on the sadness my phone rang.  Sammy calling to tell me about his new phone and other everyday mundane things.  And I was back to driving to NH to visit family and friends with Dad sitting in the back seat.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Mom permalink
    March 29, 2010 1:53 am

    Yeah, I’ve sort of been saying, “Duh!” to myself all day.

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