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April 15, 2010

I’m multi-tasking with my friends and work commitments now. Today I made plans to see a friend at an industry event I have to go to. My job is more busy than it has every been, and my role more important. Those are all good things.

I’m clutching fiercely to work life balance. I feel it beating in the cup of hand, my fingers wrapped tightly around it. Just let me hold you for a little longer, I think. I know I can do this, I assure myself. I know when I rush out before the official end of the day it doesn’t look good, but I can’t linger on that. Focus on the work product, focus on the impact.
I’m a grown up. I have a house and an important job. I have a husband and soon we’ll have a child (no, I’m not pregnant). It is fantastic, and fun and mysterious and weird and great and scary. Sometimes I role with it and ride the waves and come out clean and sweaty and smiling. Some-days I don’t.

When I was 9 give or take one year my family went to Delaware on vacation. There had been a recent hurricane and the waves were huge. But I was 9, I was big, I could handle them. And I did until I didn’t. I was knocked into a swirling mix of sand, water and air. My body wasn’t mine to control; I was forced in to a scary submission that I couldn’t and didn’t understand. I fought. It was futile. When I stood up, I didn’t know whether to cry or cheer. Had I won something or just gotten lucky? I felt all the sand that had settled in the crotch of my bathing suit. I was uncomfortable. Another wave knocked me over and I was back in the water’s land. It is groundless. I didn’t go back in to the waves that summer or the next one when we returned to Bethenny Beach.
Waves have been knocking me over. I’ve been sucked in by strong currents. I understand groundlessness now. I flow through the strong and soft currents, I give in to the forces when necessary. I put up fights and swim to the top when I can, when it’s right, when I have to fight. I learned my lesson then. I need it now,more than ever. Come on in, the water is great!

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