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May 8, 2010

I feel compelled to chronicle this day here, but this year I’m not as full of thoughts as last.

Maybe it was just going about my normal day, just living my life, that made it seem not so significant.  Maybe it is just being 4 years out instead of 3.  The third year really set me a part from the grief process, anxiety and whirlwind of the first 2.

Whatever the case.  I’ve lived the last 4 years without my Dad.  That’s just it, I’ve lived.  I’ve grown, I’ve processed, I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve loved and lost.  I’m 29, I’m married, I own a house, I live in NY.  My Dad hasn’t been alive for any of it.  It sucks, it is sad and heartbreaking.  But, it is also okay.  I’m okay.  The say it does get easier to live with the hole, and it does.  The hole doesn’t close up, it doesn’t “go away”, it will always be there large and gaping but you live with it and the pain heals if the hole doesn’t.

I’ve often talked, written and thought about how weird it is to experience someone disappearing from your life how I’ve struggled with this sense of him never even being there.  It is harder still 4 years later because it is 5, 6, 10 years later from the memories of him in my life.  In truth, my short term memory is much better than my longer term memory which makes it even harder.  I’ll never forget, but the strength of the memories fades.  I think we like to exaggerate when it comes to the dead too.  “Oh, Dad would have LOVED that!”  or, “Oh God, Dad would have flipped!”  I was walking Khadijah the other evening and I immediately thought, “Wow, Dad would have loved her, he would have just loved her.”  But, I don’t know that.  I never saw my Dad interact with a family dog, I never knew him as a dog person or really saw him love a dog.  Sure he was a friend to animals and loved our cats, and it is a very safe assumption that he would love Khadijah, but I don’t know and I won’t know.  I guess for me, right now in these moments those are the things I’m struggling with.  My memories have faded and I am trying to create new false ones that make him present to me, to us.  Maybe what I should work on is talking about, thinking about, writing down some of the real ones so they’ll stay brighter and stronger for future generations.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. May 8, 2010 3:22 am

    Thinking of you.

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