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Reflections on a New Year

September 21, 2010

For the last few years I’ve written a post on Yom Kippur as I’m fasting and thinking back on my behavior for the last year.  This year, there wasn’t even time to write a post, it was a busy Yom Kippur day!  In addition to that, I wasn’t really fasting for long as I was urged to eat as soon as I felt like I needed to.  Of course, I still have a lot of reflections as we approach the changing of the seasons and a new year.

For the most part, I’m not really in touch with some of the more difficult emotions this time of year and having a child that my Dad won’t be a Grandfather to tend to bring up.  It isn’t that I’m ignoring them if they come up, I just only have so much head space right now and it is being pretty well utilized.

Sitting in Temple on Friday Evening I had a flash of where I am, what it means and what is missing.  I was staring at the memorial boards with plaques of loved one’s names and all the lights illuminated as we remember them during these High Holy Days.  The congregation was singing a closing hymn as we were getting ready to put our books down for the night.  I sat and reflected.

Dad loved this hymn.

Dad so connected with High Holy Day services.

Dad isn’t here signing a long, so I’m not going to.

I am sad, I feel lonely without him here sitting next to me.

I have Hebrew translation questions for him.

On Thursday, the day prior, I had had a rough day, I felt adrift and lost in all the emotions the time of year brings up.  I didn’t have a full work day to distract me, rather annoying little items to bother me.  My emotions boil up much more quickly now due to the surging hormones in my body and sometimes they take me by surprise.

The moment in Temple was a accumulation of all of that, all of everything floating around in my head.  I’m not really a cryer.  It takes a lot for me to cry, and sometimes it takes a lot for me to share what I’m feeling in moments too.  But neither of those really matter, what matters is that I sat and I felt it, I felt sad and I still do as I think back and I’m not running away from that sad, you can’t any way.

Mom asked me later that weekend if she thinks there will ever be a day we won’t think about Dad.  I thought for a moment and said, “I’m not sure.  That’s a good question.”  Obviously, we all think of him everyday now 4 years later.  And I especially as I feel this baby move inside me and feel how connected he is to this child even though he’s not here in body.  I can’t imagine not thinking of him everyday, but I also couldn’t really imagine life without him either, and oh boy have we all done a lot of living these past 4 years.

When I got out of the car on Friday afternoon after driving up from NY I started to walk up the stone path to my childhood home and a heron flew low over the front yard.

“Hi Dad,” I said and smiled.

Even if we do stop thinking of him everyday, he’ll still be with us, everyday.

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