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2 Years

August 31, 2010

It doesn’t get better than this, but it will just keep getting better and better.

Yoga and Swimming

August 30, 2010

Dominique Browning really captures it perfectly in this post:
That is why I love swimming and yoga. I focus on my breathing and in that focus I am meditating. I find it very hard to ever truly clear my mind and in the rhythmic breathing of swimming and the deep poses of yoga I am clear and I haven’t even thought about it (the trick).
I’ve never been that good at floating, but I am good at laying in or near water (perhaps a solid raft or a comfy deck chair), and I find that even in those moments I can clear my mind and just breathe. Breathe in the summer air, the sun beating down on my skin.
The first Yoga class I went to I immediately connected with the breath and how powerful it was to just breathe and flow through poses, it is why I kept going back, that and how rejuvenated I felt after. The breath washed my day away, washed any anxieties and anger. It was how I was able to find my way positively out of a job that wasn’t right for me and in to one that was.
Just breathe.

I feel it coming

August 24, 2010

We slept with the windows open and fan on us last night, and it was delicious.  I needed the blankets, I cuddled up in them and felt happy.  Sure, I love Summer, but this Summer was hard.  The humidity that wouldn’t quite and the extra weight I’m carrying around did not make for a pleasant Summer.  Maybe it was also not going to Squam for the first time in many years, not having that week of basking in Summer’s glory and wishing for heat so brutal you have no choice but to be in a clear blue lake all day.

I’ve always loved the transition seasons best, Fall and Spring.  I’m happy to put on longer pants, I’m looking forward to scarves and bundling a little bit more.  I’m also not fitting as well in my summer maternity clothes (aka the 3 different colors of shorts I got from Gap) so it is time to get my fall wardrobe out (which I bought to be big on me 3 months ago cause I’m smart like that).

The Fall has always held a lot of significance for me in terms of changes in my life.  I tend to make big decisions in the Fall (uh, relocating to NYC to finally move in with Matt!) and it is when I really start to reflect on my life and the coming year, whether I consider that year starting on Rosh Hashannah or January 1st.

This Fall we’ll start birthing classes, I’ll keep getting bigger, we’ll have showers and turn a guest room in to a nursey and a tv room in to a guest room.

So needless to say, after sleeping with the Fall air last night, when I walked Khadijah this morning in the crisp morning air, I was happy and excited and ready for all this change in the seasons is going to bring for us.

Men and Ice Cream

August 17, 2010

Maybe it is aging, maybe it is growing a baby inside me, maybe it is just a cycle I’m going through, maybe it was all the extrovert activities and needing some recharging time for my inner introvert.  I found myself on Sunday, just craving time with Matt, I didn’t want to be with anyone else, just with him, doing just about anything that didn’t involve socializing.  I just want to spend time with the person I chose to spend the rest of my life with.

Some people, they choose a partner who will fit in well with their social life, someone who can be on their arm, who can tell a good story and be a good listener.  Others, they choose someone who also has an active life and will be a good person to come home to at the end of a busy week and share a drink with.  People are fulfilled in relationships for many different reasons.  I hear stories of couples who live hours apart for years for the sake of their careers and that works for them.

I chose Matt because he is someone I want to be with, all the time.  Sure I like to socialize with him, sure I have fun going out with others and always love coming home to him.

But on a rainy Sunday night when we sat down at a linoleum table in a Baskin Robins/Dunkin Donuts on Glen Cove road and smiled at each other over ice creams cones I really could not have been happier with my life, how I’ve chosen to live it and who I chose to share it with, and I thought to myself, this is what it is about for me.

The ice cream was pretty good too.

Thursday Thoughts- A Ramble

July 30, 2010

I had 2 lunches today, like pretty full lunches.  One at 12:30/1:00 and one again at 4:30/5:00.  The second one, I probably could have just gotten away with a snack, but I had a salad from Fantastic’s in Worcester and I wasn’t going to leave it in the fridge over the weekend.  I was still hungry for dinner, but kept it fairly light.  Oh yeah, I’m pregnant.

I decided mid week to take tomorrow off, even though I would only have to work until 3:00, I still just need a break.  I’m getting burned out and need to be away from the office for a day.  I am so happy I did it.  Maybe I’m more in tune with what my body and growing babe need right now (hello, 2 lunches?) or maybe it is just a coincidence, but I really need this.

Happy Weekend bloggies!

A Month

July 26, 2010

It has been about a month since I posted.  There has been so much I wanted to say and talk about and get out.  I’ve been holding it in.  I need to stop holding it in so much.

There’s a baby growing inside of me.  I kind of can’t believe it still.  It is so much more real now than it has been in the past month, mostly because now I can freely talk about it, but also because I have the tell tale bump.  Finally.  I’ve been wanting the bump, lusting after the bump and now I have it.  And now I feel huge.  But I am embracing it, not fighting it.  For the most part, anyway.

In January of 2011 I will have a baby, I will be responsible for another being, I will have a child that will grow up and be my age some day.  That’s crazy, man.  It is one of those things that you can’t think about for too long or your mind just goes in circles and circles and circles and you don’t know how to get back out to normal, rational, everyday thought.

There’s a lot to think about, a lot to plan for, and a more than small part of me wants to curl up in an air conditioned room with a blanket and some ice cream and forget about it.  If I’m honest with myself a lot of comes from the missing pieces in my life, the largest one being my Dad.  But that’s a whole other post.

A lot of other things have happened in this past month.  We all grow and change immensely in a month’s time if we really think about it.  I’ve taken on more and more at work.  Relationships have strengthened, people have grown up, visits have happened, fireworks have been set off.

Now that I can share more, I’ll be back more, I promise!

Hello June

June 23, 2010

I came here today to write about grief.  Then I sat on the home page and read my posts over the last few months.  They’re all about grief!  All I write about is grief!  I should get this listed in a grief blog list or something, maybe it would increase my traffic.  Or maybe that is why I have so little traffic.  I know it scares people.

And really, what I was going to say (something I wrote to my Mother-in-Law in response to a recent loss in that family) has already been said in this post and this one.

So instead, I’ll be boring and basic and just update my dear readers (who I’m pretty sure are all people who see me often so they already know this…) on where I’ve been the last month plus.

I’ve been…

setting up our house

gardening (Radishes are up, zukes and beans to follow!)

playing with our dog

enjoying our new couch and very large TV (enjoying bad bad shows on said TV like The Bachelorette and RHONY)

going to PT and finally running again

Hosting BBQs

Hosting Family

Hosting out of town friends and family

Planting flowers

Going to NH

Life is good, I’ve been living it.  I’ll try to remember to capture it here more often!


May 14, 2010

I had almost 50 hits on the post about the Deathaversary.  For a little blogger like me, that is something.  Let me talk briefly about what I think it means.

1.  Facebook is a good means of networking blogs… friends love to click on links and hear more detail about what you’re up to outside of status updates.

2. More importantly I think it speaks to the resonance of loss.

Americans are afraid to talk about loss, sadness, grief and death.  We avoid it, we teach people how to cover it up, we have a whole industry of self-help that in many way encourages people to find ways to avoid problems rather than face them head on and do the tough work of processing.

I’d like to think that my frank way of talking about death, how it still affects me and the forms it is currently manifesting itself in, appeals to people who are looking for a way to know that it is okay to be sad, scared and confused and not want to run away.  Or, need the encouragement to not run away from how they are feeling.

So, let’s talk about it.  Why is it worth it to face the truth head on?  Why is it worth it to deal with your feelings when you’re feeling them?  Sure, you’ll be stronger, smarter, more equipped to live life to the fullest.  You’ve heard that one before.  More importantly you’ll be you.  Avoiding grief, avoiding how you’re truly feeling about anything, it doesn’t have to be the death of a parent or other key person in your life, will cause you to become a shell of yourself.  You work so hard to avoid that one or few emotions that you’re not expressive, you’re not passionate, you are definitely not happy and you find you’re not sad either.  Avoiding one or a few scary emotions means you probably won’t feel at all.

I’ve been there.  I forgot about myself in the grief process and focused on others.  When it was time for me to face reality and focus on myself, it was damn hard, very scary and I wanted to curl up and avoid.  With the encouragement of my family I got through it, I looked at sadness in the face, I let myself see my Father dying over and over again in my head and I cried, and I got angry, and I got happy to.  I lived my life with sadness in my heart and found reasons and ways to be happy at the same time.  It wasn’t as easy as it sounds in one sentence.  Now, I’m in touch with how I feel, who I am and what I need.

Everyday, we live in a groundless world.  Embrace it.  There isn’t anything holding us up, except ourselves.


May 8, 2010

I feel compelled to chronicle this day here, but this year I’m not as full of thoughts as last.

Maybe it was just going about my normal day, just living my life, that made it seem not so significant.  Maybe it is just being 4 years out instead of 3.  The third year really set me a part from the grief process, anxiety and whirlwind of the first 2.

Whatever the case.  I’ve lived the last 4 years without my Dad.  That’s just it, I’ve lived.  I’ve grown, I’ve processed, I’ve cried, I’ve laughed, I’ve loved and lost.  I’m 29, I’m married, I own a house, I live in NY.  My Dad hasn’t been alive for any of it.  It sucks, it is sad and heartbreaking.  But, it is also okay.  I’m okay.  The say it does get easier to live with the hole, and it does.  The hole doesn’t close up, it doesn’t “go away”, it will always be there large and gaping but you live with it and the pain heals if the hole doesn’t.

I’ve often talked, written and thought about how weird it is to experience someone disappearing from your life how I’ve struggled with this sense of him never even being there.  It is harder still 4 years later because it is 5, 6, 10 years later from the memories of him in my life.  In truth, my short term memory is much better than my longer term memory which makes it even harder.  I’ll never forget, but the strength of the memories fades.  I think we like to exaggerate when it comes to the dead too.  “Oh, Dad would have LOVED that!”  or, “Oh God, Dad would have flipped!”  I was walking Khadijah the other evening and I immediately thought, “Wow, Dad would have loved her, he would have just loved her.”  But, I don’t know that.  I never saw my Dad interact with a family dog, I never knew him as a dog person or really saw him love a dog.  Sure he was a friend to animals and loved our cats, and it is a very safe assumption that he would love Khadijah, but I don’t know and I won’t know.  I guess for me, right now in these moments those are the things I’m struggling with.  My memories have faded and I am trying to create new false ones that make him present to me, to us.  Maybe what I should work on is talking about, thinking about, writing down some of the real ones so they’ll stay brighter and stronger for future generations.

Balance, Spring, Nonsense

May 4, 2010

I haven’t felt like I have anything really interesting to say lately.  We got a dog, so I’ve been focused on that addition to our lives.  Training and petting and walking and pooping and peeing.  I never thought I would be so happy to get to pick up poop, but when she goes it is good.  Yes, very good baby preparation.  I’m trying to work exercise in to my life and on top of that managing an injury that has sidelined my running and any running like motions, so basically all other exercises.

But don’t take this the wrong way.  I’m happy.  I’m also sad, and processing the anxiety and sadness and ennui this time of year produces.  Balance is Spring for me.  Happiness at the changing season, I love Spring.  Sadness at the reminder of my dead Dad.  I planted seeds on Sunday, and then almost couldn’t get out of bed because I was sad thinking of my loss.  Balance.  I got up and watered the grass seed so it will sprout in to a new lawn.  Renewal.  It is beautiful.  The lilacs are almost done blooming.  I picked a boquet of them from an abandoned house down the block with Mom last weekend.  I felt bad and good and they filled the house with such a powerful fragrance I could have been yelled at taking them and I wouldn’t have minded to get that aroma.  Dad loved lilacs.

This post doesn’t make sense.  Maybe I’m not making much sense lately.  But I’m living, I’m plodding along and I’m happy.

Happy Spring.