So I’ve been thinking lately, about coming back to this old blog of mine. I spend a lot of time over here now. I talk about motherhood, Emilio, family, and I post pictures of my sweet boy. However, there is a piece missing. There are moments and thoughts I want to capture somewhere and share, and that blog isn’t the right place to do it. It could be, I could alter it slightly, but I share it so openly, and some of these thoughts and words I’d like to be a little more private, shared with a smaller audience, and I’m thinking my audience here is very very small at the moment.
Hello… is anyone there?
So, I think I’ll come back here from time to time. I’ve been thinking I want to be writing more, and this feels like it might fulfill that want.
My life feels very very full at the moment, in ways that feel right and in ways that feel unmanageable at times. Often in those unmanageable moments, writing it out helps. Getting the monkey off my back helps.
Here’s to the ride.
For the last few years I’ve written a post on Yom Kippur as I’m fasting and thinking back on my behavior for the last year. This year, there wasn’t even time to write a post, it was a busy Yom Kippur day! In addition to that, I wasn’t really fasting for long as I was urged to eat as soon as I felt like I needed to. Of course, I still have a lot of reflections as we approach the changing of the seasons and a new year.
For the most part, I’m not really in touch with some of the more difficult emotions this time of year and having a child that my Dad won’t be a Grandfather to tend to bring up. It isn’t that I’m ignoring them if they come up, I just only have so much head space right now and it is being pretty well utilized.
Sitting in Temple on Friday Evening I had a flash of where I am, what it means and what is missing. I was staring at the memorial boards with plaques of loved one’s names and all the lights illuminated as we remember them during these High Holy Days. The congregation was singing a closing hymn as we were getting ready to put our books down for the night. I sat and reflected.
Dad loved this hymn.
Dad so connected with High Holy Day services.
Dad isn’t here signing a long, so I’m not going to.
I am sad, I feel lonely without him here sitting next to me.
I have Hebrew translation questions for him.
On Thursday, the day prior, I had had a rough day, I felt adrift and lost in all the emotions the time of year brings up. I didn’t have a full work day to distract me, rather annoying little items to bother me. My emotions boil up much more quickly now due to the surging hormones in my body and sometimes they take me by surprise.
The moment in Temple was a accumulation of all of that, all of everything floating around in my head. I’m not really a cryer. It takes a lot for me to cry, and sometimes it takes a lot for me to share what I’m feeling in moments too. But neither of those really matter, what matters is that I sat and I felt it, I felt sad and I still do as I think back and I’m not running away from that sad, you can’t any way.
Mom asked me later that weekend if she thinks there will ever be a day we won’t think about Dad. I thought for a moment and said, “I’m not sure. That’s a good question.” Obviously, we all think of him everyday now 4 years later. And I especially as I feel this baby move inside me and feel how connected he is to this child even though he’s not here in body. I can’t imagine not thinking of him everyday, but I also couldn’t really imagine life without him either, and oh boy have we all done a lot of living these past 4 years.
When I got out of the car on Friday afternoon after driving up from NY I started to walk up the stone path to my childhood home and a heron flew low over the front yard.
“Hi Dad,” I said and smiled.
Even if we do stop thinking of him everyday, he’ll still be with us, everyday.
I’ve been on vacation for over a week. Just 4 days in I felt renewed and refreshed and was so excited I had a whole week left.
Matt and I with Khadijah in tow hoped in the car at 5:30 AM on Thursday morning and started the 12+ hour trek to Knoxville, TN. It turned out to be 15 hours after many stops for this preggers to pee and stretch her legs and a few traffic jams. I have to say, the trips do go by quickly, especially since I wasn’t the one driving. Thanks to a Hubby who loves to drive and drive and drive.
We arrived to excited hellos from humans and canines alike and dove right in to a fun long weekend. Parks, Hikes, Bears, Largest Treehouses in the world, Football, and great food. We loved getting to spend so much time with family and I hardly thought about work, at all.
Labor Day we made our way East to Chapel Hill for the second leg of our journey. More good times and good conversations with family and then it was time to head back North.
The drive was faster than expected so we had to manage disgusting NYC traffic making our way back to Long Island. Sigh.
But, even with a cold hitting me the first day home, we’re back, we’re relaxed and I’m ready for what is next.
Today I spent a lot of time on the couch watching movements and feeling movements in my belly. I think E had hiccups this morning. Adorable.
This baby is slowing me down, considerably. I’m taking it in stride and letting my body dictate my pace. Before I was pregnant I would have said screw the cold, I’ll get over it and kept with my plans to go to MA in a day and back for a antique market. Now that I’m growing a baby inside me, I knew I shouldn’t go, that I wouldn’t recover, so I canceled last minute and spent the day recouping.
I’m proud of myself. For taking so much time off, for slowing down, for taking it all in. The returns are many.
Dominique Browning really captures it perfectly in this post: http://www.slowlovelife.com/2010/08/floating-meditation.html
That is why I love swimming and yoga. I focus on my breathing and in that focus I am meditating. I find it very hard to ever truly clear my mind and in the rhythmic breathing of swimming and the deep poses of yoga I am clear and I haven’t even thought about it (the trick).
I’ve never been that good at floating, but I am good at laying in or near water (perhaps a solid raft or a comfy deck chair), and I find that even in those moments I can clear my mind and just breathe. Breathe in the summer air, the sun beating down on my skin.
The first Yoga class I went to I immediately connected with the breath and how powerful it was to just breathe and flow through poses, it is why I kept going back, that and how rejuvenated I felt after. The breath washed my day away, washed any anxieties and anger. It was how I was able to find my way positively out of a job that wasn’t right for me and in to one that was.
We slept with the windows open and fan on us last night, and it was delicious. I needed the blankets, I cuddled up in them and felt happy. Sure, I love Summer, but this Summer was hard. The humidity that wouldn’t quite and the extra weight I’m carrying around did not make for a pleasant Summer. Maybe it was also not going to Squam for the first time in many years, not having that week of basking in Summer’s glory and wishing for heat so brutal you have no choice but to be in a clear blue lake all day.
I’ve always loved the transition seasons best, Fall and Spring. I’m happy to put on longer pants, I’m looking forward to scarves and bundling a little bit more. I’m also not fitting as well in my summer maternity clothes (aka the 3 different colors of shorts I got from Gap) so it is time to get my fall wardrobe out (which I bought to be big on me 3 months ago cause I’m smart like that).
The Fall has always held a lot of significance for me in terms of changes in my life. I tend to make big decisions in the Fall (uh, relocating to NYC to finally move in with Matt!) and it is when I really start to reflect on my life and the coming year, whether I consider that year starting on Rosh Hashannah or January 1st.
This Fall we’ll start birthing classes, I’ll keep getting bigger, we’ll have showers and turn a guest room in to a nursey and a tv room in to a guest room.
So needless to say, after sleeping with the Fall air last night, when I walked Khadijah this morning in the crisp morning air, I was happy and excited and ready for all this change in the seasons is going to bring for us.
Maybe it is aging, maybe it is growing a baby inside me, maybe it is just a cycle I’m going through, maybe it was all the extrovert activities and needing some recharging time for my inner introvert. I found myself on Sunday, just craving time with Matt, I didn’t want to be with anyone else, just with him, doing just about anything that didn’t involve socializing. I just want to spend time with the person I chose to spend the rest of my life with.
Some people, they choose a partner who will fit in well with their social life, someone who can be on their arm, who can tell a good story and be a good listener. Others, they choose someone who also has an active life and will be a good person to come home to at the end of a busy week and share a drink with. People are fulfilled in relationships for many different reasons. I hear stories of couples who live hours apart for years for the sake of their careers and that works for them.
I chose Matt because he is someone I want to be with, all the time. Sure I like to socialize with him, sure I have fun going out with others and always love coming home to him.
But on a rainy Sunday night when we sat down at a linoleum table in a Baskin Robins/Dunkin Donuts on Glen Cove road and smiled at each other over ice creams cones I really could not have been happier with my life, how I’ve chosen to live it and who I chose to share it with, and I thought to myself, this is what it is about for me.
The ice cream was pretty good too.